My 51st Wedding Anniversary
Two days ago, my wife, Pat, and I celebrated our fifty-first wedding anniversary. Of all God’s blessings, none has been more fulfilling, more sustaining, or more life-changing than those fifty-one years I’ve shared with Pat.
This week I did an internet search to find statistics on marriage longevity and discovered that only seven percent of married couples reach their fiftieth anniversary. The other ninety-three percent of marriages end in either death or divorce. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read the commentary offered by one of the statisticians. In his discussion on marriage longevity he bluntly stated, “If you’ve been married fifty years or more, one thing is undeniable – you’re really old.” Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m really old, but for me, old is good, especially when I realize I’ve shared most of those years with the woman I dearly love.
When people discover Pat and I have been married over fifty years, they often want to know the secret to our success. My first reply is simply, “I’ve learned how to say ‘Yes ma’am.’” At that, Pat rolls her eyes, not fully amused by my lame attempt at humor. That’s when I offer more meaningful advice. I’ll tell the inquiring party that the secret to a lasting marriage is nothing less than hard work.
A friend of mine used to jokingly say, “I’ve been married for fifty years, and forty of them have been the greatest years of my life.” Obviously, there’s more honesty in that statement than most of us care to admit. Sometimes being married is not so great. Without meaning to, we sometimes break each other’s hearts. Even the most loving spouses occasionally disappoint each other. Even the most caring husbands and wives sometimes cause their spouse to cry. Healthy couples disagree and sometimes those disagreements are settled only after hours (or even days) of challenging conversation. Yes, being married is not always fun, but for couples willing to engage in love’s hard work, marriage becomes life’s greatest blessing.
What is the hard work of marriage? Basically, it’s the hard work of communication. Studies show that inadequate communication is a common factor in failed marriages. When couples communicate – even heatedly - they have a chance of resolving their issues; but when they surround each other with silence, unresolved issues fester into feelings that eventually strangle the life out of love. Talk, talk and talk some more. Listen, listen, and keep on listening. Within those difficult conversations your marriage will find its health. Without them, trouble lurks at love’s door.
Several years ago, one of my church members said something I’ll never forget. She said, “In all our years of marriage I’ve longed to hear my husband utter three words. Just one time I’d like to hear him say, ‘I was wrong,’ but never have those words crossed his lips.” Yes, sometimes healthy communication means saying, “I was wrong.” Those three small words are the words that often restore peace and renew love.
The flip side of confession is forgiveness. When our spouse has hurt us, we need to forgive. Only then is love’s communication complete. Even the most loving couples sometimes hurt each other. Communication often exposes those wounds but only forgiveness heals them. When we fail to forgive, we not only punish our offending spouse. We suck the lifeblood out of our love.
If there is any magic in our fifty-one years of marriage, it may lie in a question we should ask ourselves each day. At the dawn of each day ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my spouse feel special?” Yes, that’s the aim of real love. That’s why fifty-one years of marriage has been so meaningful to me. Each day of my life, Pat has made me feel special, and hopefully she can say the same of me.
Fifty-one years. Fifty-one years doing the hard work of love. Fifty-one years of life made complete by the special woman who has given me her love. Surely, I, among all men, am most eternally blessed!
